Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

I've been thinking a lot about decisions lately. Small ones. Big ones. How they form your life. The direction you take or don't take. A certain path. At a crossroads. I've been looking back at my own life and the things I decided to do or not do. Decisions never come easy for me. Well, for the most part they don't come easy. Often I don't have an opinion so the choice doesn't really matter. Take for instance what to have for dinner. I usually don't care. It doesn't matter too much, BUT when I know what I want to eat I WILL speak up.

If I look back I've been this way my whole life. Not really knowing what I want so I let the choice be made for me. I'm not sure where it came from either. I'm a youngest child but I didn't have my sisters speak for me. I was kinda a shy kid (I still am until you really get to know me) and not too opinionated. I'd often answer a question with, "I don't care" or "It doesn't matter"

Where was I going with this....oh yeah. The choices you make with the decisions you have in your life are HUGE! Growing up I made so many choices based on a boy. Where to go. What to wear. What team to cheer for. What music to listen to. What movie to see. Then I made choices based on guys. What to do with my life. Whether to go to college. Whether to get married. Buy or Rent.

Then men. By this time I didn't have any sense of self to stick up for or know even what I wanted out of life, for myself, to give to others. I gave those choices to others in my life instead of take the time to figure out what makes me-ME. Growing and learning from there. I made so many decisions based on others and what I thought I needed to do or be for them. I was lost because I never really formed an I.

Fast forward to now. I've always said I'm a person without regrets because everything that has happened has made me who I am today. Well, I'm realizing that's not true for me anymore. I regret I gave up my freedom of choice for so long. Yes, I let others form who I am. That makes me shake my head at myself. I had the power to be, to do, to become whatever I wanted. I was content to let life happen because (in my mind) when I did finally make a decision my track record was bad. I've made some awful mistakes that lead to terrible decisions. I've made small decisions that lead to horrible mistakes. But that doesn't mean I should stop making decisions altogether.

So, self, what do you want out of life? Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go from here?